Dealing with "Negative" People

Do you have any "Negative Nancies" (or Negative Normans) in your life? You know, the kind of person who seems to be a perpetual sour puss. Even when people are having a great time, there's reason to celebrate something, or the mood is light... they have a way of finding something to complain about.

It’s tough when you encounter people who seem determined to find the worst in every situation.

How do we deal with people like that in a godly way? How can we respond like saints, in patience and virtue, to those who are anything but saintly, patient, or virtuous? How can we bless those who are determined to curse everyone and everything?

I know this feeling well, especially in my work selling books. There are times when customers face a bit of confusion—maybe they can’t figure out how to get their books on their devices, or something similar—and instead of a simple inquiry, I get a torrent of complaints. Recently, I had a customer like that. I tried to be helpful, but her responses just grew more abusive. Eventually, I had to refund her and add her to my "blocked customer" list. It felt a bit extreme, as I never want to cut anyone off, but her negativity had started to infect my entire day. I did pray for her, though.

When you find yourself dwelling on someone else's negativity, fuming on their poor decorum and behavior, sometimes we have to make the calculated decision to separate ourselves from them.

But it's not always that easy, is it? Sometimes these persistently negative people are family members. I have one close relative who turns every visit into a litany of grievances: doctors, landlords, online sellers, even the spiders in their house—all, apparently, are conspiring to make their life miserable.

I love this person, but it's difficult to be around them for any extended period of time.

It's a real challenge to maintain your own peace when you're around that kind of constant complaint.

How do we navigate these difficult relationships without letting their negativity consume us? While Scripture doesn't have a specific chapter on "Handling Negative People," it offers profound wisdom that speaks directly to this universal human experience.

 

The Warning of Influence: Proverbs 22:24-25

"Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare" (Prov 22:24-25).

The Hebrew term for "man given to anger" (בַּעַל אָף, ba'al 'aph) paints a vivid picture of ownership—someone literally of someone literally "possessed by" or "married to" their negative emotions, not just someone who gets angry occasionally. It’s a person defined by their negativity.  

The warning continues with a psychological insight that’s remarkably current: we gradually internalize the characteristics of those with whom we closely associate.

The idea that negativity functions almost like a contagion, something we unwittingly "take" into ourselves through prolonged exposure, is powerful. It’s like a trap that restricts our freedom and causes harm.

Solomon’s wisdom isn't telling us to completely isolate ourselves from difficult people—that’s often impossible in families, workplaces, and communities. Instead, it cautions against forming deep, formative friendships with those dominated by destructive emotional patterns.

The distinction matters: we can interact with negative people without allowing their perspective to shape our inner lives. As St. Francis de Sales wisely noted, "Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them—every day begin the task anew." This applies not only to our own shortcomings but also to the persistent challenges presented by others, reminding us to maintain our inner peace even when facing external negativity. (Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life, Part 3, Chapter 1).

It also warns that when such anger/wrath/negativity becomes persistent, it can be like a habit. Some people are practically addicted to negativity. It takes wisdom to know when to help, how far we can engage, without becoming co-dependent, without enabling their problem by giving them an ear. That's the challenge. We want to be compassionate, but we can't be enablers. Loving others makes us vulnerable, but we also can't put our own peace at risk if it's affecting our own relationship with God and others.

 

Contrasting Light: Philippians 2:14-15

"Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world" (Phil 2:14-15).

Paul directly addresses the behavior that characterizes negative people: habitual murmuring, complaining, and argumentative attitudes that drain communal joy. Yet, Paul’s response isn't withdrawal, but contrast.

Believers are called to shine as "lights" specifically "in the midst of" a crooked generation. This emphasizes being present within, not separate from, challenging environments. Imagine celestial bodies—stars and planets—that remain distinct while embedded in the darkness of night. Their light doesn’t absorb darkness; it dispels it.

Again, though, the light must remain distinct from the darkness. Boundaries are necessary. Shine light into others, but don't let them toss an infested blanked of negativity over your light, either.

Our interactions with negative people provide precisely the context where Christian distinctiveness becomes most visible. The contrast between persistent negativity and steadfast joy, between cynical criticism and gracious speech, creates a compelling witness.

There's actually a power in recognizing this. It allows us to endure negative people without allowing them to influence us (at least not as much). Because let's face it. It's really easy to get very negative about negativity. How insidious is it, that when surrounded by people who complain too much, we often find ourselves complaining about those complainers?

It's easy to fall into the "virtue signaling" trap, even as we try to shine our light. Make sure that the light you're shining is meant to couteract their darkness, and you aren't using their negativity as a way to highlight your godliness so that your patience and endurance can be seen by others, so you'll be "viewed" as more saintly than them.

Seriously, that happens a lot more than you might realize. How often do we, when confronted with people or situations who are "difficult," use the light we're given like one of those spotlights they shine into the sky, trying to get people's attention? Be careful about the allure of letting your light serve a darker purpose in your heart... don't let it become a source of pride. That's what "virtue signaling" is all about, and we see it all over the place these days.

Someone else's problem isn't our occasion to stand out.

We don't need to fear being overwhelmed by others’ negativity when we understand our identity as "children of God"—beings who reflect their Father’s character rather than merely reacting to their environment. To respond as saints, we are called to embody the fruit of the Spirit, even when others exhibit the opposite. We can choose to be patient, kind, and self-controlled, reflecting divine grace rather than mirroring human brokenness.

 

The Limits of Responsibility: Romans 12:17-21

"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Rom 12:17-18, 21).

Paul’s guidance includes a crucial qualification: "so far as it depends on you." This acknowledges that peace requires mutual participation. We control our contributions to relationships but cannot dictate others’ responses. This perspective liberates us from the impossible burden of "fixing" persistently negative people or ensuring harmonious interactions despite their choices.

The conclusion uses military language. The verb "overcome" appears twice, creating a powerful rhetorical contrast: either we are passively conquered by negativity, or we actively conquer it through goodness. The grammatical structure emphasizes a binary choice: either negativity transforms us, or we transform the situation through persistent goodness.

This passage offers both realism and hope. It acknowledges that some relationships remain difficult despite our best efforts, while maintaining that evil—including the harm caused by persistent negativity—can be overcome. Not by matching negativity with negativity, but by the disarming power of good. As saints, our response to those who are less than saintly is not to retreat, but to advance with goodness. We are called to extend grace, knowing that our peace is not contingent on their perfect response, but on our faithful obedience.

 

The Radical Command to Love: Matthew 5:43-48

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven" (Matt 5:43-44).

Jesus addresses our natural inclination to categorize people as either deserving or undeserving of our love. The "love" spoken of here isn’t emotional warmth, but a deliberate commitment to another’s well-being. This love manifests practically through prayer—a spiritual practice that transforms both the one praying and potentially the one prayed for.

When we pray for difficult people, something remarkable happens. We begin to see them not merely as sources of frustration but as complex individuals with their own struggles and wounds. Prayer creates space for compassion without requiring us to endorse negative behavior. It acknowledges that persistent negativity often stems from deep pain, disappointment, or fear. 

Jesus grounds this counterintuitive approach in divine imitation: we love difficult people not because they deserve it, but because doing so reflects the character of our heavenly Father.

God doesn't withdraw sunshine and rain from those who reject Him. Similarly, we don't withdraw basic kindness from those whose negativity challenges us.

Our willingness to pray for those who are difficult demonstrates a profound alignment with God's heart, who "makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust" (Matthew 5:45). This extension of prayer to even those who cause us distress is a key way we respond as saints, recognizing their humanity and need for grace, just as we ourselves do.

 

Practical Wisdom for Daily Life

These scriptural principles offer a nuanced approach to dealing with persistently negative people:

Recognize the power of influence: Scripture acknowledges the psychological reality that we are shaped by our close relationships. This invites honest assessment: Is someone’s negativity affecting my perspective? Am I beginning to adopt their patterns of speech or thought?

Establish thoughtful boundaries: There's a necessary distinction between necessary interaction and formative friendship. We can engage with negative people without making them our primary influences or confidants. Boundaries protect our spiritual and emotional health without requiring complete withdrawal.

Cultivate contrasting virtues: Paul’s exhortation to "shine as lights" suggests actively developing qualities that counteract negativity—gratitude instead of complaint, hope instead of despair, constructive speech instead of criticism. These virtues aren’t merely reactive but flow from our identity in Christ.

Accept the limits of your responsibility: The qualification "so far as it depends on you" liberates us from the impossible burden of controlling others’ responses. We can offer peace without guaranteeing its reception. This perspective prevents the frustration that comes from assuming responsibility for others’ choices. We must avoid the temptation to be too negative about negative people. We should not complain about complainers.

Practice transformative prayer: Jesus commands us to pray for difficult people—not as a last resort but as our first response. This practice aligns our hearts with God’s perspective and creates space for compassion without condoning harmful behavior.

Seek discernment in specific situations: Different relationships may require different approaches. A colleague’s occasional negativity demands a different response than a family member’s persistent destructive patterns. Wisdom discerns when to engage, when to establish firmer boundaries, and when to seek additional support.

The biblical approach to persistently negative people balances realism with hope, self-care with service, and wisdom with love. We don't need to be controlled by others’ negativity, nor must we withdraw from those who struggle with it. Instead, Scripture calls us to a transformative engagement that protects our spiritual health while offering light to others.

To respond as "saints" when dealing with people who are less than saintly means actively choosing empathy over judgment, seeking to understand the underlying pain that fuels their negativity, and always offering the kindness of Christ, even when it is not reciprocated. It means guarding our own hearts from bitterness and resentment, and continually returning to the wellspring of divine grace for strength.

When we respond to negativity by cultivating virtues that counteract it, setting boundaries that protect our well-being, and praying for those who challenge us, we embody the transformative power of love and grace. As we navigate the complex landscape of relationships, let us remember that our ultimate identity as children of God empowers us to overcome darkness with light, evil with goodness, and despair with hope. In a world marred by negativity, may we be beacons of positivity and agents of healing, spreading the light of God’s love wherever we go.

What's one small step you can take today to apply one of these principles in a challenging relationship?
 

Blessings all,

Judah