Speaking Truth in Love

Have you ever noticed how easily the phrase "speaking the truth in love" rolls off our tongues? We deploy it as justification before delivering harsh criticisms, or cite it when encouraging others to be more forthright.

Clearly, "love" and "truth" are central principles in Jesus' teaching, and according to the message of the entire Bible. The phrase here, "speaking the truth" in love, comes from Paul's letter to the Ephesians. It means that both truth and love must be held in tension.

Speaking "facts" without charity/love, does nothing but prop-up the ego of the speaker in his insecure and insatiable felt-need to be "right." Speaking lovingly, without truth, isn't loving at all, because encouraging people to embrace sin, or to entrench themselves in a self-centered lifestyle, can't prop up any kind of love other than self-love.

Let us examine the verse in its immediate context:

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ" (Eph 4:15 ESV).

This verse appears within Paul's broader discussion of Christian unity and maturity (Eph 4:1-16). Just before this, Paul warns against being "tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes" (Eph 4:14). The apostle presents a stark contrast between spiritual immaturity and the mature Christian life he now describes.

The phrase "speaking the truth" is actually a single word in the original Greek. It certainly involves "speaking" (as it's translated) but is actually broader than that. The term Ἀληθεύοντες (Alētheuontes) is a form of he verb ἀληθεύω (alētheuō) and encompasses "dealing truthfully," "being truthful," or "practicing the truth" in all dimensions of life.

In other words, being "truthful" here isn't just about verbal communication. It's about a lot more than what you speak. This term embraces truthfulness in action, behavior, and speech. It appears only twice in the New Testament (here and in Gal 4:16), where Paul is telling that congregation that he's dealt with them in every respect "truthfully."

What we're talking about here isn't just about refraining from telling lies, or exaggerating/embellishing stories (we all know people who do that, and probably do it ourselves). It also involves dealing with each other with transparency, with total honesty, in word and action. It also means living out what's true.

It's also insightful to consider the root of "truth" itself. The Greek word "aletheia" (ἀλήθεια), meaning truth, is derived from the prefix "a-" (meaning "not") and the word "lethe" (meaning "forgetting" or "concealment"). Therefore, "aletheia" literally translates to "unforgetting," "unconcealedness," or "the state of not being hidden."

This etymology deepens our understanding of "truth" not just as factual accuracy, but as a revealing or uncovering of what is real. It means being open, living according to the "what you see is what you get" principle. It leaves no room for living in a duplicitous way, deceiving people, or even hiding your struggles/sins so that you'll look a little more "polished" to the folks at church.

Ἐν ἀγάπῃ (En agapē) translates to "In love." This is not ordinary affection but divine ἀγάπη / agape love—selfless, sacrificial, and seeking the good of others.

The preposition ἐν with the dative ἀγάπῃ indicates the sphere or manner in which truth is to be practiced. Think of it like the boundaries on a football field. You can certainly "throw" the ball to a player outside the boundaries, but it won't count.

Similarly, any articulation of what's "true" that's outside the boundaries of "love" just doesn't count. It doesn't do us any good to be "right" if we're using our correctness like a bludgeon.

This is especially the case with the way we Christians often address trends and values in our culture that don't align with ours. What good does it do to shout accurate condemnations at people, if they don't see the love of Christ shining through?

Why would anyone repent of anything at all if they don't see the love that's waiting to embrace them when they do?

Honestly, this is a lesson I've learned (sometimes the hard way) as a parent. I should have known it because, well, I used to be a kid once. It's funny though how much we forget about our own childhoods, and the way we used to think, by the time we grow up.

If my kids are afraid I'm going to scold them, or punish them, they'll conceal their wrongdoing from me. They won't be honest. If they know it's safe to admit what they did, if they understand they're loved they'll more often than not come clean before the even have to get caught.

One of my sons did something like that recently, when he'd stolen something from his brother that couldn't be easily "given back" (long story). He felt so awful about it that we didn't even have to investigate, he came to us in tears and said, "I did something horrible! I sinned!" Then he told us what he did.

It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once. It's heartbreaking because no one wants to see their kid sin. It's heartwarming, though, because he knew that it was okay to come clean, that it was the best thing to do, because while there would be consequences (every sin has consequences) there'd be an abundance of love ready to embrace him.

That's how it is with God and us, by the way. It's why since we represent God as His image-bearers, we have to deal with each other that way. It means that we don't "water down" the truth, but we also deal truthfully within the sphere or "boundaries" of love.

That's the only playing field where being "truthful" matters.

Remember, you can't score a touchdown out-of-bounds. You can't even get a first-down that way. When you toss the ball (the truth) outside the boundaries (of love) you make no progress at all. It's as though you're wasting your words. In fact (to press the football analogy even more) the only one you're hurting is yourself... because just as you only get so many chances to "score" or get a "first down" in football, you may only have so many chances to show the love of Christ to someone who needs to hear it.

Love without truth is blind; truth without love is empty.

 

Growing up into Christ...

Paul also reveals why this is important for us, not just for those we meet. By dealing truthfully in love "...we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ."

Paul is not merely providing advice about communication style. He's telling us how to progress in our spiritual maturity. Truthfulness in love is the means by which growth into Christ occurs.

Consider the imagery Paul employs. Christ is "the head,” and believers are to "grow up" into him. This organic metaphor suggests that speaking truth in love is not merely ethical instruction but part of our spiritual metabolism—how we digest and incorporate Christ himself into our communal body.

 

Ways Truth Can Be Inimical to Love

Paul's instruction implies that truth can be expressed in ways contrary to love.

Truth can be used as dominance, becoming a tool for establishing superiority or silencing others. Think of Christians who get into "debates" with atheists, or even other Christians, and then boast about how they "owned" their opponent. Theology debates have an important place as iron sharpens iron, but the goal of any "debate" isn't to win, it's to grow together in the truth.

Truth can be offered without mercy, presenting facts without regard for the hearer's capacity to receive them. In the context of Ephesians 4, the ultimate goal is building up the body of Christ (v. 12), not merely being technically correct.

Emphasizing certain truths while neglecting others can lead to fragmentary truth, creating distortion. Again, the word for "speaking the truth," is much broader than that. It involves a comprehensive commitment to truth in all dimensions.

Even when content is truthful, poor timing or harsh delivery violates the principle of truth "in love." Love should saturate every aspect of truth-telling.

When we examine Jesus' ministry, we see him perfectly embodying this principle. To the woman caught in adultery, he spoke both truth ("Go and sin no more") and love ("Neither do I condemn you") (John 8:11). To the rich young ruler, he offered both truth about the man's idolatry and a loving invitation to follow (Mark 10:21).

 

Growth into Christ as the Purpose

The ultimate goal is not improved communication but growth into Christ.

This growth is comprehensive: "τὰ πάντα" ("in every way" or "in all things"). No dimension of human existence is excluded from this transformative process. Our intellectual understanding, emotional responses, physical actions, and spiritual perceptions all grow toward Christlikeness through the practice of truth in love.

Furthermore, this growth is corporate rather than merely individual. The first-person plural verb αὐξήσωμεν ("we may grow") reminds us that the body of Christ matures together, not in isolation. Speaking truth in love is thus a community-forming practice essential to ecclesial health, that is, the health of the Church, the very body of Christ.

How might we embody this in our lives?

It begins with heart examination. Before speaking truth to others, we must interrogate our motives. Are we speaking to help the other grow in Christ, or to assert our correctness? As the Psalmist prays, "Search me, O God, and know my heart" (Ps 139:23).

Spiritual discernment is also crucial. Truth must be offered with awareness of the other's capacity to receive it. Jesus himself modeled this: "I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now" (John 16:12).

Giving "academic" answers to questions people have about sin, or even grace/doctrine, can be like giving someone an effective medication that isn't designed for their particular condition. There might not be anything wrong with a particular antibiotic, but if someone has a virus, it won't do much good.

Consider if someone asks, "is being gay a sin?" Well, I could start pointing at passages that talk about homosexual behaviors, and I could even go to God's beautiful design in creation to address it. Maybe, though, the best thing to do is ask: "why do you want to know?"

Consider how people might respond and how it might impact your answer. If someone is asking for "permission" to indulge in promiscuity, you certainly don't want to say, "well, I think God loves everyone no matter what" (even though that's a true statement). However, if someone is struggling with those inclinations, or if they have a child who has told them they're gay, you don't want to lead with verses that condemn the behavior. That would be insensitive, and it wouldn't address the spiritual need that's there.

There's always a question behind the question.

We must remember that we're not "alone" and the way we present the "truth" to other impacts all Christians, it can affect the witness of the Church at large. The broader communal context of Ephesians 4 places this instruction within the building up of the church community. Truth in love is not merely an individual virtue but a practice that forms the body of Christ.

Our practice of truth-telling must follow a Christological pattern, modeled after Christ, who is both "full of grace and truth" (John 1:14). The reference to Christ as "the head" (ἡ κεφαλή) reminds us that all our communications should reflect his character.

Finally, speaking truth in love requires a posture of mutual submission—humility and openness to reciprocity. We must be willing not only to speak truth but also to hear it from others, even when uncomfortable.

 

Common Misinterpretations

Several misunderstandings of this text deserve attention.

Some interpret "in love" to mean coating truth with pleasantness or withholding difficult truths to avoid discomfort. This is a misunderstanding of love as mere niceness. This view misconstrues ἀγάπη (agape love), which seeks the ultimate good of the other, not merely their comfort. Sometimes love must wound to heal (Prov 27:6).

"Speaking the truth" or "dealing truthfully," encompasses more than factual accuracy; it implies living in accordance with divine reality. Truth is not merely something we say but something we embody. This highlights that truth is more than merely propositional.

Perhaps most subtly, we can mistake speaking truth in love as a technique to master rather than recognizing it as the fruit of a transformed character being conformed to Christ. This is the difference between a technique vs. character.

 

The Divine Dance of Truth and Love

Truth and love are not opposing forces that must be balanced but complementary attributes of God himself. In the divine nature, truth and love are perfectly unified. In 1 John 4:16, we read that "God is love," while Jesus identifies himself as "the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6). Thus, when we speak the truth in love, we are participating in the divine dance of these two essential qualities.

It is not a matter of finding a precarious balance between them but of allowing both to flow naturally from our union with Christ.

As we strive to embody this profound theological principle, may we do so with humility, grace, and a deep awareness of our interconnectedness within the body of Christ. For it is through the practice of speaking truth in love that we not only grow individually but also contribute to the maturation and flourishing of the entire community.

And so, let us continue on this journey of growth into Christ, knowing that as we speak truth in love, we are aligning ourselves more closely with the heart of God and fulfilling our calling to be bearers of his light and grace in a world hungry for authenticity and compassion.

 

In Jesus' name,

Judah