Why fiction can be more "real" than non-fiction.

Back when I was a young seminary student I hardly ever prayed.

 

Hard to believe, right? Well, I was puffed up on knowledge. I knew (rightly) that God knew all my thoughts and desires.

 

Logic says "prayer is redundant" if God is all-knowing.

 

Depending on your definition of prayer.  

 

If you think prayer is about convincing God to do things for you, you'll probably give up after a few days of trying.

 

If you're treating prayer like a dollar bill and the Lord like some kind of cosmic vending machine that dispenses what you want... if only you enter the right currency and push the right buttons... well... you'll be grossly disappointed. Because you're blinded by false expectations.

 

I always trusted that God cared about me, and would take care of me. Never doubted it a moment.

 

But I didn't daily put my trust in God through prayer.

 

I didn't have a disciplined spirituality.

 

As such, when I was a young minister and my first wife began exhibiting symptoms of severe mental illness...

 

...and nothing I tried helped...

 

...and when she started talking about leaving me to go back to live with her parents...

 

....and when she said she didn't want to have children with me...

 

I turned to alcohol to cope. I trusted God would work everything out. Like, he'd let this drinking run its cycle then "cure" me when I got it out of my system. I believed he'd take care of me. Sort of. But I didn't know how to deal with the profound sense of failure I was experiencing.

 

I'd always had a lot of success in life. I was an Eagle Scout. A good student. I got through college and seminary at the top of my class.

 

But my first marriage... well... it was the first time I really felt like I'd failed at something major.

 

I didn't know how to trust God through the valley... my trust/faith was shallow. It was mostly academic...

 

In my denomination, a pastor getting a divorce was always a scandal. How could that happen?

 

I REALLY WANTED to serve God with every fiber of who I was... so then how did I fail so grievously???

 

There wasn't a dogma or a doctrine that helped me face it. Not directly. Mostly because I didn't understand how to take those teachings out of my head and apply them in a meaningful way.

 

Nothing I'd studied gave me the answers.

 

It wasn't until I was honest about my flaws, my faults, my deepest character defects and weaknesses, and turned all of that over to God through tears... that the burden was lifted.

 

Once I looked in the mirror and was honest about my brokenness... not just about the fact that I was drinking too much, or hadn't been a good husband... but about the core, deeper-seeded insecurities, my pride and narcissism, and realized my knowledge had done more to puff me up, to serve my pride than my Lord... ONLY THEN did I experience the miracle. 

 

That was a long time ago. A lot longer than you'd think. I was pretty young back then. But it sometimes feels just like yesterday.

 

I resigned from pastoral ministry not long after that. Not because they forced me out. The "authorities" in the denomination had to relent when my congregation voted unanimously (after the divorce) that they wanted to keep me. But over time, the inner-sense of failure overwhelmed me. I didn't feel like I was fit for the job. Not just because my first marriage was over. But because I didn't believe I was spiritually fit to lead people.

 

Not yet. And I was still struggling to overcome alcoholism. I went through several years of stringing together months of sobriety only to fail again. It took that long to really get to the point I described above. Where I totally surrendered. Then, God granted me a victory over the addiction.

 

It might be more accurate to say that he allowed me to participate in the victory over my brokenness he'd already given me. I just wasn't taking hold of that gift yet. Not completely. Because I wasn't being honest with myself. When I finally was... everything changed.

 

Eventually I became a husband again, and a father of three. God blessed me beyond measure... but it took me years to really get to a point where I felt I'd grown enough spiritually to ever dare take any kind of spiritual leadership role again...

 

Because spiritual leadership was never about telling people what to believe.  

 

(Even though that's what I thought it was about when I was a pastor)

 

It's always been about nurturing a person's path... and since I'd seen how God worked in my own life in totally unbelievable and unpredictable ways... it's all about encouraging people to follow a deeper path, a spiritual walk in total humility and grace.

 

Spiritual leadership or (better) mentorship is about honoring the story. His story and ours. 

 

Over the last decade I stopped writing academic books and articles. I started writing fiction. 

 

I started out writing urban fantasy. Something about stepping "outside" the domain of the "real world" and exploring the fantastic gave me a vehicle through which my characters could explore some of the spirituality I was learning as I grew into a deeper relationship with God.

 

Those books feature a lot of messy and broken people. Very rarely have I told their stories in Christian terms... because the more I grew, the more I saw God working in people's lives in way that didn't always fit into the "neat" and "clean" programs of religion and churches.

 

Sometimes the characters in those books curse. They do some pretty awful and nasty things. They look for answers in all the wrong places. The books aren't "clean," because the world God calls Christians into is messy.

 

And being "clean" or "unclean" isn't what makes something Christian.

 

That's one of the biggest (unfortunate) flaws in what passes for "Christian fiction" these days.

 

So much of it is advertised as "clean reads." There's a place for that, of course. But when it comes to real stories that shine light into the darkest part of our souls, being "clean" isn't what's most important.

 

And if we're Christians we can't shelter ourselves from what's messy while still being faithful to go into the world.

 

Clean fiction doesn't keep you safe. It might allow you to avoid a few things that make you uncomfortable. And sometimes if you just want a nice read to distract yourself from the crazy world, that's totally understandable.

 

But don't think that sheltering yourself with "clean" fiction will really protect you from he brokenness of this world. It doesn't keep you safe.

 

My security is in Christ. And he gets dirty with sinners in ways that make a lot of us (and the religious leaders of his day) uncomfortable.

 

He showed us that the only way to make a difference is to enter into a messy world.

 

The stories I wrote as an Urban Fantasy author reflect my own messy journey. They confront things that most Christians aren't comfortable examining. And they use lenses and tropes in fiction a lot of Christians never touch.

 

I stand by those books. And (for those of you who've read them) I'm still writing in that universe... but if you're looking for clean fiction, don't go looking for what I wrote as "Theophilus Monroe." You might not like it. At the same time, I don't think I could reach the audience I've gathered under that pen-name if I wrote "clean."

 

My Urban Fantasies aren't meant for Christians (necessarily) but hidden in the pages is always a message of hope and faith... a lifeline meant to draw people who would never consider reading anything labeled "Christian fiction" into deeper realities.

 

Because they were the product of my struggle. And struggle is what I've come to believe that God uses more than anything else to draw us closer to Him.

 

I'd go so far as to say that you can't be a real theologian without it. Because it's in those valleys that we learn the depth of God's love in all the ways that matter.

 

But over the last year-plus with a lot of prayer... and a lot of scriptural meditation... I've come to believe that God wants me to step out and tell the truth through story in more direct and explicit way.

 

That's what these books and e-mails are all about.

 

I'm now writing Christian thrillers and supernatural suspense as Judah Lamb in order to bring the spiritual journey my characters experience more front-and-center in their stories. 

 

I don't let my characters curse in these books... if only because I don't want that to be a hang-up for people who are put off by worldly language. But these books might get a little messy sometimes. Messier than you might be used to from other Christian authors.

 

In these books faith plays a pivotal role in the struggles/difficulties/messy experiences of the characters.

 

Because I believe that God made us to be "creatures of story." 

 

There's a reason why there isn't a single "theology textbook" in the Bible. There's not a single list of doctrines you have to believe.

 

Every teaching you might find in the Bible is couched in a story...  

 

...it's full of drama, of action, and a divine romance...

 

...a God who seeks the people he loves so persistently that no matter how often they turn away from him, he persists to show them His heart...

 

I could write academic theology. Yawn. Snore. Ugh.

 

Been there. Done that. I'm not interested in writing dead words.

 

God works through story. Almost exclusively. If not through narrative story/history, often through poetry.

 

He inspires us in and through story. Because all of our lives tell a story. And when all is said and done, I think we'll come to see that each of our stories are microcosms of His story. 

 

A story of our brokenness, our rejection, and His stubborn love... persisting until we finally see His face... until we're given the eyes to see. 

 

This e-mail sequence isn't here primarily to sell my books. But I will shamelessly promote them when I release them (with a few links you can click on or ignore at the end of my e-mails) because my books support my family... and it takes a lot of work/time/money to write and produce them.

 

But more than that, it's my hope that my books will affect your heart in a way that really matters... in a way that inspires more spiritual depth and intimacy.

 

That's the goal. The books I write as Judah Lamb aren't and won't be filled with cursing/violence/sexuality. But they won't necessarily be sterilized, "clean" fiction either. Not if what you think counts as "clean" is something that avoids getting involved in real-world messiness.

 

But you don't have to ever buy a single thing to enjoy these e-mails.  

 

I also write devotional works and devotional commentaries(if you aren't a fiction kinda person).

 

I hope no matter if you like my novels or can't stand them you'll find something of worth in these daily meditations. And I'd be grateful, humbled, and honored, if God might use this broken vessel (me) to play a role in your story.

 

Even if only a supporting role.

 

But if you want to support what I'm doing, feel free to grab one of my books or some of the "swag" on my store (if you aren't a fiction-kind-of-person) and see something you like.

 

Blessings (even and especially in the midst of trial)...

 

Judah